The peculiarities of some eccentric, or “special” people, running around in the community, often have me killing myself laughing with amusement as I analyse the net results of having personal contact with some of them.
It was 7am this Thursday morning when I found myself at the local IGA supermarket. After grabbing a few small items, I paid my bill and headed outside to my car. As I walked out the electronic sliding doors, I noticed a young homeless man, whom is well known to me, sitting on the footpath nearby with his back up against the brick wall, he looked unwell & pretty distraught.
Kneeling in sympathy in front of him, on her haunches was a woman of German descent, she looked like an old hippy, she had long grey hair and a very plain face. She also had a thick German accent. It was plain to see that she was helping the poor bloke and she had given him $50, which he held in his trembling hand. I had a short conversation with my homeless friend and then headed back inside to get him some food and drink.
As I gave him my purchases, the poor bloke thanked me and I told him to wait there as I would head home and bring back some bedding for him, as he was sleeping rough. I had no space at home, otherwise I would have taken him in, but he also has serious mental health issues too.
So I said goodbye to both the homeless bloke and the German lady and as I walked away, in a typical, Australian, colloquial gesture, I flicked her with my finger on the upper, right arm. She instantly re-coiled in horror and speaking in an accent resembling Zigfried’s, head of Kaos in the sixties TV show “Get Smart”, she snarled, “Do not tarch mee, I do not like peeple tarching me”.
She then followed me the short distance to my car, but kept a safe distance away from me. Next, she barks out, "Dis iz my theeng, you could have killer germs that will jump on me when you touch me and they will kill me. I also keep my distance so the killer germs can’t jump off you onto me, but eetz nussing personal, eetz just my theeng, you understand".
So Hitler’s great, great granddaughter tells me, that in all probabilities, somewhere in my travels, like a rabid, disease ridden dog, I have picked up a deadly, killer bacteria, that has infested my whole body and is hiding in the pores of my skin, poised to leap out and onto people to infect them and slowly suck their pathetic lives away in the most horrible way imaginable.
On top of this, there is a great possibility, that because of my reckless and selfish actions, I may have cost the German Hippy her life, and it's through no fault of her own, the blame all rests on my weary shoulders. Dick Head I am!
Am I also infected and will shortly die, or am I only a carrier? How have these deadly germs developed to the point, where they are able to leap off my body, a distance for a germ, that would be comparable to the distance man traveled to the moon?
How does the German lady have specific information I am infected, is she a German Agent monitoring my trips during the day to various op shops around town? Does the Government want to develop the bacteria I am infected with to use as a top-secret weapon in war?
Who passed the deadly bacteria onto me and where will it all end? I’m listening to this loony tunes tell me I’m a living, bacterial spreader of the Black Plague and I’m not supposed to take that fucking personally?
Reminds me of a bloke I saw while serving time in prison, he wore a skull cap fashioned from a roll of tin foil to keep the Alien Radio waves from penetrating his thoughts, from light years away in outer space. I think he’s married to the German lady!
